Till the Day I Die

Hi Guys,

Sorry I haven’t been on lately, just going through some self-reflection. As I left off on my last entry I am working on accepting my situation at home and multitude of feelings that come with it.

So here is a bit more of my story,

I want to emphasis that this may make others uncomfortable, but its the reality of the situation but it is up to me on how I work through this, I do encourage others to do what is best for you with what ever circumstance comes your way.

From my childhood till my early 20’s, I felt the need to keep what my father did to me as a secret. I suppose I thought that if I kept quite I would help my family. I did not want to lose my parents and tear my family apart  because of  the “mistake” that my father had done.

Notice I said “I didn’t want to lose my family or tear my family apart…” it is not till now that I realize I am not responsible for what was already broken. I was taking responsibility of my fathers mistakes at such a young age. This can definitely cause a child to bear a large burden, one that was not my own. At the age of 22 I accepted the facts of what had occurred and took the reigns for my life to say something.  I no longer felt  the need to “protect” his dark secret of his relationship with me and “obey” everything that was asked of my father, I was a complete puppet to this man.  I would exceed academically in order to make him proud but it was never enough.

I swore as a child that I would take this to either his grave or mine, in order to live this false family unit that I convinced myself that I had, all this until I was 22 & I could no longer bear such a burden.

Till next time

Advertisements

I Accept

Survivor Psalm

This week has been hectic, especially an emotional one, but there is a bright light at the end of every tunnel. These is more of a self-reflection.

I accept..

the fact that my family is broken.

what occurred to me during my childhood and teenage years was not acceptable.

that I was not responsible for what occurred to me, for I was just a child.

that telling my family at 22 was the best choice I have ever made, because darker secrets were revealed which now allows my family and myself to grow & work towards a better future.

I am worthy of being loved and giving love.

I am beautiful and stronger than what I sometimes tend forget.

Lastly, it is not my fault and I will work through this and be the best Sharon, I can be, without placing blame, feeling depressed, being anxious… because this DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!

Feedback

Hello Stranger, 

I last wrote about  a week ago, my thing about creating this blog was to blog regularly and share my experiences. This did not seem to be the case for the week to come. Thus after sharing some of my experiances on my last blog I had the worst week right after.

This week consisted of two days with insomnia, one mental-breakdown, two days of sleeping due to depression, an anxiety attack,  lack energy and lastly on ongoing mental state of how I do not have a support system with my family and I feel soo alone.

I haven’t had so many emotions, feelings or even a breakdown such as this in over 8 months. Usually I get a bit anxious and I am capable of controlling it and move on. This time around, I felt unable to do anything or to even find a sense to control it.

Is this normal? What have been your experiences with sharing your story?

Love Sharon

My Story

As I learn to share and blog, I would like to advise that I will be as transparent as possible. I do not wish to offend or make anyone uncomfortable, rather to inspire and be inspired.

I grew up in a somewhat ok family household (both parents, my little sister & myself). I had both my parents and step sisters from the past marriages of both parents. The one thing that I noticed as a child was that my family members only seemed to hang out during a major holiday; such as christmas or on birthdays. I did not understand why, as a child,  but  I accepted it.

As I grew up, I came to realize my home was not just an “ok family”… it was actually very broken and filled with so many lies. The family that I had set up in my mind was a mere fantansy from the reality, which was a family that was loving and caring, where both parents place there child first in order to succeed in life.

As a child I made up a story for my life which included both my parents as being caregiving, nurturing, hard working and willing to provide their two daughters, etc.

This was less than the fact of what was going on at home, reality was that I was being sexually abused by my father who was also an alcoholic, my mother was jealous of the relationship that was created between my father and I, but hid it by always doing chores and always demanding me to do chores as much as she did , and my sister was always playing outside but also grew up being jealous of the relationship my father sand I had, which lead her to feel neglected. At this time, no one had any idea about what was going on with my father ( I believe it started at age 4, perhaps I was younger but I can not recall) until I was 15 years of age).

As time went by, my father became more and more authoritative and kept me closed off of my things that an average teenager would do (such as field trips, going to the movies with friends, or even going to hang out for a couple of hours). It had become so ridiculous that when I would stay after school during high school to study,he would assume that I was doing drugs and drinking. I would ask my teachers to write a note for me stating that I was reciving help after class. This only made it worse, because he claimed that I was purposely making him feel “stupid”. I can still recall walking to the car and him yelling “Sharon!! You think I’m stupid..how stupid do you think I am”. Even writing this brings back the anxiety I felt then, which was almost 9 years ago.

But here I am now, writing to you all expressing my experiences. Thank you all for reading, I will continue on tomorrow.

Love Sharon

Hello

Hello Everyone,

My name is Sharon and I have chosen to share with you all the challenges I face daily and all the great ones as well. I have decided to take up blogging because I feel that the anxiety, depression and a loss of self is not just something to be brushed off. I feel as though I can find a community of people whom i can inspire with my story and also be inspired by them. Thank you for your love and support.